I want to return to the topic of aloneness which I covered in this article. This was prompted through an article by James Marriott in todays Times Newspaper and one from The Atlantic.
John O’Donohue’s words continue to guide us: “Each one of us is alone in the world. It takes great courage to meet the full force of your aloneness.” These words resonate particularly deeply in what The Atlantic has dubbed ‘The Anti-Social Century’, where Americans, and indeed, many in the Western world, are spending more time alone than ever before.
The Paradox of Modern Solitude
Our relationship with solitude has become remarkably complex. While public health officials warn of a ‘loneliness epidemic’, with the UK and Japan even appointing ministers to address the issue, recent research tells a more nuanced story. A 2021 study using the UCLA Loneliness Scale found that the term ‘loneliness epidemic’ may be rather overstated. While young people indeed report higher levels of loneliness than previous generations, broader loneliness metrics have remained relatively stable or even declined, even as time spent alone has increased.
This paradox invites us to look more carefully at the distinction between loneliness and solitude. Loneliness carries an ache, a biological signal that, as NYU sociologist Eric Klinenberg notes, should theoretically “push you off the couch and into face-to-face interaction.” Solitude, by contrast, offers something quite different: an opportunity for self-renewal and, perhaps paradoxically, a foundation for more authentic connection.
The Historical Perspective: Solitude as the School of Genius
The philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau, that great pioneer of modern solitude, spoke of “the pleasure of conversing with my soul.” His sentiment echoes through centuries of thought and creation. Indeed, the historian Edward Gibbon observed that while “conversation enriches the understanding,” it is solitude that is “the school of genius.”
Consider this remarkable roster: Descartes, Newton, Locke, Pascal, Spinoza, Kant, Leibniz, Schopenhauer, Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, and Wittgenstein, they all lived predominantly solitary lives. While I’m certainly not suggesting we all embrace lonely celibacy, this historical perspective offers a powerful counterpoint to our modern preoccupation with constant connection and collaborative creativity.
The Modern Challenge: Finding True Solitude
Thomas à Kempis wrote that stepping out into the world can often lead us to lose parts of ourselves. Today, this loss occurs in ways he could never have imagined. The philosopher Alan Watts astutely observed that much of modern life involves attempting to escape ourselves, particularly that internal voice that never ceases its commentary.
Paradoxically, while we spend more time physically alone, we rarely experience true solitude. The “weird simulacrum of social life” offered by the internet ensures that even the most isolated person maintains what psychologists term “parasocial relationships”, those ghostly, one-sided affinities with absent strangers. We may be lonely, but we are never quite alone.
A Personal Experience
A key moment in my life was spending 4 days and nights alone on a wilderness quest in a wood. The experience included a 4-day preparation phase, support at ‘base camp,’ and 2 days afterward to share our stories.
No technology, no food, no people, just me and my thoughts, with only a tarp for shelter (no tent to hide in). It took at least 24 hours for the constant chatter in my head to quiet. Then, I experienced the profound solitude of being fully alone with my thoughts.
The Addictive Nature of Genuine Solitude
Jim Carrey, known for his extroverted performances but privately a deeply reflective individual, offers an intriguing perspective: “Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realise how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”
This observation hints at a deeper truth: genuine solitude, when embraced voluntarily, can become not just tolerable but precious. However, this comes with an important caveat: the experience of solitude varies significantly across personality types and neurodivergent conditions. For some, solitude provides essential restoration; for others, it may trigger profound discomfort.
Cultivating Meaningful Solitude
If you’re seeking to develop a healthier relationship with solitude, consider these evidence-based approaches:
1. Create Digital Boundaries: Distinguish between physical solitude and genuine mental solitude by establishing periods free from digital connection.
2. Develop Contemplative Practices: Engage in activities that encourage genuine introspection, such as journaling, meditation, or what many great thinkers have sworn by, the long solitary walk.
3. Embrace Productive Boredom: Practice sitting with yourself without immediate distraction, allowing your mind to wander and creative thoughts to emerge.
4. Monitor Your Response: Pay attention to whether solitude energises or depletes you, acknowledging that this may vary based on your personality and circumstances.
Thought Prompt:
*How might your relationship with solitude be influenced by your personal temperament and circumstances? What distinguishes your experiences of loneliness from moments of peaceful solitude?*
Conclusion
In our hyperconnected age, the ability to be contentedly alone may be more valuable than ever. As Philip Larkin beautifully expressed it in his poem Best Society.
Viciously, then, I lock my door.
The gas-fire breathes. The wind outside
Ushers in evening rain. Once more
Uncontradicting solitude
Supports me on its giant palm;
And like a sea-anemone
Or simple snail, there cautiously
Unfolds, emerges, what I am.
The challenge lies not in avoiding loneliness through constant connection, but in cultivating the kind of solitude that allows us to return to others more whole, more ourselves, and more capable of genuine connection. In doing so, we might discover that solitude is not the opposite of connection, but its foundation.
Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash